Moot Point

You are infuriating. 

After nearly five years, how does one retain the delusion that I am not a loyal person? 

You have seen me at my best, and you have seen me at my worst. 

You have seen me try and cope with death, and you have seen me overcome personal difficulties. 

You know all of my flaws and insecurities. 

You know everything I can't stand, and everything that I absolutely love. 

You know how to build me up, and you certainly know what it takes to break me down.

You know that despite all of my hardships and heartache, I am still a very compassionate and loving person.

You know that I live for making you (as well as others I love) smile.

You know that I love you.

Undoubtedly.

Or you should, anyways.

And if you don't, you are a damn fool.

If you can't see that I hang on every word you speak, even the awful ones-

If you can't see that even though I have a fast mouth, I have a vulnerable heart-

If you can't see that every time you speak of me as someone who is not faithful, it wears me down a little more-

If you can't see that your obsessions with finding a flaw in what we have, are pushing me away-

If you can't see that we are more than happy with you, with or with out anything fancy-

If you can't see that I melt every time you smile at me, still-

If you can't see the desire in my eyes, even after you laugh at me and brush it off-

If you can't see that I am dying for you to just love me with everything you've got, and let go of any fears that you have-

If you can't see that I love you more than any man I have ever met in my life-

If you can't see that I appreciate you-

If you can't see that I need you-

If you can't see that I can't live with out you-

If you can't see that you are the only man I want to love me-

If you can't see that I yearn for your caress-

If you can't see that I would NEVER leave you for another-

If you can't see your paranoia's for just what they are, paranoia-

If you can't see me, just as I am, just as I love you-

Then you are a damn fool.

The way that you speak of me, only shows your contempt for me.

It does not show that you love me.

It shows that you don't trust me.

And you cannot have love without trust.

The way that you speak of me, hurts. 

It hurts my feelings, and shows me that you don't respect me.

And the fact that we have been together this long, and you STILL believe I'm going to run off on you, only saddens me even more.

I don't know what I can do to make you see that I love you.

I don't know how to make you see that I am here, being broken down by the hurtful things you say.

I don't know how to make you understand that I am not what you perceive me to be

I don't know how to make you see that I am not your mother.

I am not your ex wife. 

I will not just abandon you when [you think] I am tired of you.

I don't know how to make you see that your words effect me in such a profound way, I get lost. 

The only time I ever doubt our relationship, is when you put that doubt there. 

It's when you tell me we wouldn't make a marriage work.

You tell me you can find someone else. 

You tell me I don't love you.

You tell me I don't care.

You tell me it isn't going to work.

You tell me you're going to leave.

You tell me I'm going to leave.

You tell me I'm fucking someone else.

You talk about fucking someone else.

You doubt.

Not me. 

So the question I should be asking you is, do YOU love me?

Do YOU want this? 

Do YOU want a future with me?

Because the way you talk about us, does not make me feel like you see us being together that long. 

Don't tell me that I am not committed, when anyone brings up why we aren't getting married I feel like screaming. 

I resent you for insulting me and doubting my loyalty and love for you, when all I want is for you to be mine.

You have no idea how much this makes my blood boil.

There is nothing that pisses someone off more, than to be accused of something they have not done.

I may be many things, but unfaithful is NOT one.

And not only that, but for you to play my insecurities against me, is really low, even for you.

How could you purposely say things that you know would hurt me?

I would never do that to you.

And yet, I doubt you feel even slightly bad about it.  

How can you say things that go right for the jugular, and still say that you love me?

It makes you one fucked up individual.

And yet, I still love you.

So who is more fucked up? 

You, for constantly tearing me down? Or me, for loving you despite your cruelties?

Either way, I know that one of those things has to stop. 

I just hope it isn't the part where I love you.

A person can only be bashed on for so long, before they say enough is enough.

If you can't see that I love you, and that I don't want you to keep pushing me away,

And that you are pushing me away-

Then you are a damn fool.