To Four Years of Beginning Again

And sweet, sweet September.

I know I have mentioned previously how much I love Fall, but have yet to explain why. While there are many reasons, some stick out more than others.

I love the colors on the trees changing, and how the wild winds shift. I love the rich smells of vanilla and cinnamon, coming from people's houses. I love the sense of unity we feel as families and communities, coming together for festivals and holidays. I love the feel of a cozy sweatshirt, accompanied by a good movie, and a hot bowl of soup. But most of all, I love all the special milestones in my life it comes with.

Anniversaries, birthdays, and so on. The big one however, is my sobriety, and the moment I decided to take my life back.

You see, I wasn't always this fun loving, happy, and thoughtful mother I am today. No. I use to be in a much darker place, wallowing in self pity, from the not-so-perfect childhood I had.

Like anyone had a perfect childhood. Pft.

I was not in a good place. Physically, spiritually, mentally. I needed to change. So when it finally hit me that a change wasn't just what I needed, but clearly something I wanted, everything suddenly became clear.

Now, although it was clear to me that I no longer wanted to be on drugs, that didn't mean it was easy to do so. Anyone who says that fighting an addiction is easy, well, probably hasn't been an addict.
For instance, let's just look at the meaning of the word itself--

Addiction: the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

Now simply take a moment to think about that. The state of being enslaved to a habit.
This is not a dramatic interpretation of the word. Still today, after four years of being off drugs, I have instants where I struggle with urges of getting high. Where I want to so bad I can taste it. That little voice inside my head telling me that, "It will be fine. You are under control now.", tries to convince me. And I'm afraid that will never go away.
But you know what? That's okay. I have learned to face my demons head on, and realize that if I didn't still have the nagging in my head to 'go there' once again, I probably would forget the fact that I suffered at my own hands for so long.

The more I think back and try and recall what put me in the situations I had gotten into, the more I realize that I had myself to blame more times then not.

Yes, I lacked a lot of things as a child. Yes, I suffered abuse and at times, neglect. But beyond those hardships I was unfortunately placed into, I harmed myself in many ways. And I look back today, thankful that I woke up.

I realized that I didn't have to keep suffering. I didn't have to live the way I grew to know.

For too long I had focused so much on not wanting to feel the pain, that I never really considered trying to heal from it, and that is where addiction begins. We all want to forget and run away from our trauma, only to realize later that we can never escape it without facing it head on. On this level of things is where I sympathize with addicts. It is never easy to face your problems. It is never an enjoyable task to talk about your upheaval. And it is certainly never a painless undertaking to forgive those who have hurt you. However, in order to heal and be free from your agony, you must at least try to accomplish these things.

Through the last five years I have felt many things; realized many revelations. I have made many conscious decisions to better my life, not only for my children, but for myself. I have relived, forgiven, and conquered innumerable demons from my past. I have grown exponentially from the vacant shell of a girl I once was.

These are all fantastic feats, however, my life will always be an uphill battle, and I am okay with that.

Every day I wake up and strive to be the best Mother, Sister, wife, partner, and person I can be. And every day I know that as long as I remind myself of the torment I went through, I will be okay. For the day that I forget where I've come from, will be the day I wander back in that direction.

I am forever grateful to all the wonderful people in my life who have supported me, believed in me, and most of all forgiven me for the mistakes I've made. I will never forget who was there by my side when I thought all was lost, and needed help getting off the ground.
You know who you are, and I am thankful for your love.

As for my life now, four years clean, I couldn't be happier! I have the two most beautiful, smart, charismatic children, endless love and support from my family, and a wonderful, caring man, that just won't give up on me.

Where I once saw my life as a hopeless story, doomed to repeat the cycle, I now have faith that my children will one day be proud of me, and the woman I have become.

That alone has made every harrowing moment worth it.