Moot Point

You are infuriating. 

After nearly five years, how does one retain the delusion that I am not a loyal person? 

You have seen me at my best, and you have seen me at my worst. 

You have seen me try and cope with death, and you have seen me overcome personal difficulties. 

You know all of my flaws and insecurities. 

You know everything I can't stand, and everything that I absolutely love. 

You know how to build me up, and you certainly know what it takes to break me down.

You know that despite all of my hardships and heartache, I am still a very compassionate and loving person.

You know that I live for making you (as well as others I love) smile.

You know that I love you.

Undoubtedly.

Or you should, anyways.

And if you don't, you are a damn fool.

If you can't see that I hang on every word you speak, even the awful ones-

If you can't see that even though I have a fast mouth, I have a vulnerable heart-

If you can't see that every time you speak of me as someone who is not faithful, it wears me down a little more-

If you can't see that your obsessions with finding a flaw in what we have, are pushing me away-

If you can't see that we are more than happy with you, with or with out anything fancy-

If you can't see that I melt every time you smile at me, still-

If you can't see the desire in my eyes, even after you laugh at me and brush it off-

If you can't see that I am dying for you to just love me with everything you've got, and let go of any fears that you have-

If you can't see that I love you more than any man I have ever met in my life-

If you can't see that I appreciate you-

If you can't see that I need you-

If you can't see that I can't live with out you-

If you can't see that you are the only man I want to love me-

If you can't see that I yearn for your caress-

If you can't see that I would NEVER leave you for another-

If you can't see your paranoia's for just what they are, paranoia-

If you can't see me, just as I am, just as I love you-

Then you are a damn fool.

The way that you speak of me, only shows your contempt for me.

It does not show that you love me.

It shows that you don't trust me.

And you cannot have love without trust.

The way that you speak of me, hurts. 

It hurts my feelings, and shows me that you don't respect me.

And the fact that we have been together this long, and you STILL believe I'm going to run off on you, only saddens me even more.

I don't know what I can do to make you see that I love you.

I don't know how to make you see that I am here, being broken down by the hurtful things you say.

I don't know how to make you understand that I am not what you perceive me to be

I don't know how to make you see that I am not your mother.

I am not your ex wife. 

I will not just abandon you when [you think] I am tired of you.

I don't know how to make you see that your words effect me in such a profound way, I get lost. 

The only time I ever doubt our relationship, is when you put that doubt there. 

It's when you tell me we wouldn't make a marriage work.

You tell me you can find someone else. 

You tell me I don't love you.

You tell me I don't care.

You tell me it isn't going to work.

You tell me you're going to leave.

You tell me I'm going to leave.

You tell me I'm fucking someone else.

You talk about fucking someone else.

You doubt.

Not me. 

So the question I should be asking you is, do YOU love me?

Do YOU want this? 

Do YOU want a future with me?

Because the way you talk about us, does not make me feel like you see us being together that long. 

Don't tell me that I am not committed, when anyone brings up why we aren't getting married I feel like screaming. 

I resent you for insulting me and doubting my loyalty and love for you, when all I want is for you to be mine.

You have no idea how much this makes my blood boil.

There is nothing that pisses someone off more, than to be accused of something they have not done.

I may be many things, but unfaithful is NOT one.

And not only that, but for you to play my insecurities against me, is really low, even for you.

How could you purposely say things that you know would hurt me?

I would never do that to you.

And yet, I doubt you feel even slightly bad about it.  

How can you say things that go right for the jugular, and still say that you love me?

It makes you one fucked up individual.

And yet, I still love you.

So who is more fucked up? 

You, for constantly tearing me down? Or me, for loving you despite your cruelties?

Either way, I know that one of those things has to stop. 

I just hope it isn't the part where I love you.

A person can only be bashed on for so long, before they say enough is enough.

If you can't see that I love you, and that I don't want you to keep pushing me away,

And that you are pushing me away-

Then you are a damn fool.

To Four Years of Beginning Again

And sweet, sweet September.

I know I have mentioned previously how much I love Fall, but have yet to explain why. While there are many reasons, some stick out more than others.

I love the colors on the trees changing, and how the wild winds shift. I love the rich smells of vanilla and cinnamon, coming from people's houses. I love the sense of unity we feel as families and communities, coming together for festivals and holidays. I love the feel of a cozy sweatshirt, accompanied by a good movie, and a hot bowl of soup. But most of all, I love all the special milestones in my life it comes with.

Anniversaries, birthdays, and so on. The big one however, is my sobriety, and the moment I decided to take my life back.

You see, I wasn't always this fun loving, happy, and thoughtful mother I am today. No. I use to be in a much darker place, wallowing in self pity, from the not-so-perfect childhood I had.

Like anyone had a perfect childhood. Pft.

I was not in a good place. Physically, spiritually, mentally. I needed to change. So when it finally hit me that a change wasn't just what I needed, but clearly something I wanted, everything suddenly became clear.

Now, although it was clear to me that I no longer wanted to be on drugs, that didn't mean it was easy to do so. Anyone who says that fighting an addiction is easy, well, probably hasn't been an addict.
For instance, let's just look at the meaning of the word itself--

Addiction: the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

Now simply take a moment to think about that. The state of being enslaved to a habit.
This is not a dramatic interpretation of the word. Still today, after four years of being off drugs, I have instants where I struggle with urges of getting high. Where I want to so bad I can taste it. That little voice inside my head telling me that, "It will be fine. You are under control now.", tries to convince me. And I'm afraid that will never go away.
But you know what? That's okay. I have learned to face my demons head on, and realize that if I didn't still have the nagging in my head to 'go there' once again, I probably would forget the fact that I suffered at my own hands for so long.

The more I think back and try and recall what put me in the situations I had gotten into, the more I realize that I had myself to blame more times then not.

Yes, I lacked a lot of things as a child. Yes, I suffered abuse and at times, neglect. But beyond those hardships I was unfortunately placed into, I harmed myself in many ways. And I look back today, thankful that I woke up.

I realized that I didn't have to keep suffering. I didn't have to live the way I grew to know.

For too long I had focused so much on not wanting to feel the pain, that I never really considered trying to heal from it, and that is where addiction begins. We all want to forget and run away from our trauma, only to realize later that we can never escape it without facing it head on. On this level of things is where I sympathize with addicts. It is never easy to face your problems. It is never an enjoyable task to talk about your upheaval. And it is certainly never a painless undertaking to forgive those who have hurt you. However, in order to heal and be free from your agony, you must at least try to accomplish these things.

Through the last five years I have felt many things; realized many revelations. I have made many conscious decisions to better my life, not only for my children, but for myself. I have relived, forgiven, and conquered innumerable demons from my past. I have grown exponentially from the vacant shell of a girl I once was.

These are all fantastic feats, however, my life will always be an uphill battle, and I am okay with that.

Every day I wake up and strive to be the best Mother, Sister, wife, partner, and person I can be. And every day I know that as long as I remind myself of the torment I went through, I will be okay. For the day that I forget where I've come from, will be the day I wander back in that direction.

I am forever grateful to all the wonderful people in my life who have supported me, believed in me, and most of all forgiven me for the mistakes I've made. I will never forget who was there by my side when I thought all was lost, and needed help getting off the ground.
You know who you are, and I am thankful for your love.

As for my life now, four years clean, I couldn't be happier! I have the two most beautiful, smart, charismatic children, endless love and support from my family, and a wonderful, caring man, that just won't give up on me.

Where I once saw my life as a hopeless story, doomed to repeat the cycle, I now have faith that my children will one day be proud of me, and the woman I have become.

That alone has made every harrowing moment worth it.

Pumpkin Oatmeal Cookies

Swooning with fall obsession.

First off, I would just like to state that these 'cookies' are anything but your everyday humble cookie. In fact, it's kind of bothering me that I have failed to come up with a better word than cookie. Pumpkin Oatmeal Dreamboats? Pumpkin Oatmeal Tasties? Fantasies? Divinities? Succulents? Confections? 

Oooh yeah..... Pumpkin Oatmeal Confections.

That sure has a nice ring to it. Well now that the name debacle has been solved, I can get on with this thang!

So, yesterday I was in the cookie making mood, and was also really wanting my house to smell like Fall, since well, in my mind, it already is Fall. Of course, this also gave me a reason to browse on Pinterest for a good time, you know, to find a deserving recipe! After I finally came across the right one, I was ready to start baking!

I wrote out the recipe I found here, and headed towards the kitchen. Once I got in there, I remembered the cans of organic pumpkin I had in the cupboard, just waiting to be eaten. And then it hit me--

Pumpkin Oatmeal Cookies Confections! Oh yes! I did!

I LOVE this stuff!! I like to use it in brownies in place of butter.... they are amazing!!

Anyways, I gathered all the ingredients, and then started playing with the recipe. I swapped the regular sugar for brown, upped the vanilla, added coconut, and of course, pumpkin. 

Also, can I just say what a revelation sea salt is in sweets?? I mean, it has to be one of my most favorite things to put in cookies now. Instead of a "1/2 tsp salt", I just give my sea salt grinder a few twists, and it turns those cookies into perfection. Seriously. You take a bite of this delectable sweet cookie, and what's that? A spark on the back of your tongue of salty goodness. It turns your ordinary cookie into a firework show on your taste buds! Yeah, it's that good.

Here are most of the fixings-- I forgot to round up the salt and the butter in this photo.

I digress.

Preheat your oven to 375 degrees.

 In mixer bowl on medium speed, cream together your butter, pumpkin, and sugar. Once fluffy, add vanilla, and eggs, and then milk.

(Make sure you scrape down the sides of the bowl in between each step.)

In separate bowl, stir together all of your dry ingredients. Ie. flour, oats, coconut, cinnamon, salt, baking soda, and nutmeg.

Pour about half of the dry mixture into your wet mixture, and mix for about 30 seconds, then add in the remaining dry and stir until fully incorporated.

Look at that beautiful orange cookie dough! Yumm!!

At this point, all that's needed is some time in the oven, and then into your mouth! Ha! I'd say between 11 and 15 minutes, depending on your humidity/elevation and all that jazz. Once they get a good stay in the hot box (and your house is smelling incredible at this point!), it's time to enjoy!!

Can't you just smell them now? Oh I bet you wish!

I hope you are as excited as I am about these. Trust, you will love them! 

Let me know what you all think about these beauties. And get geared up for Fall-- these would be the perfect thing to bring to a Fall party! 

Walk the Talk

Talking only gets you so far.

For those of you who don't know me, I am a dreamer. A dreamer, a planner, and certainly sometimes a talker. Actually, not sometimes; quite often. I tend to spend a lot of my time, thinking up and imagining all the things I would like to do in my life.

.........but not actually doing them.

Now this is something I have recently come to notice, and I am not particularly proud of it. 

Have I become a bullshitter?

A person that sits around, talking all the time about the things they plan to do, and want to do, but never actually do them? 

Oh sad realization...... I have indeed became a bullshitter. 

Well not anymore! 

I don't want to be that person.

No. I WILL NOT be that person!

So what, you may ask, do I intend to do about this situation?

That is a very good question my friend--

No longer am I going to have a list of things I want, but instead, I'm building a list of things I will have, will do, or will see. 

No longer am I going to plan on storing food, or someday learn to can. NO! I'm going to start storing and learning to can now!

It's so easy for us to talk about the things we want in life, but when it comes time to actually do what it takes to make those things happen, it seems that there is always something (usually ourselves) holding us back. You get exactly what you put into something, so if you give up mentally before you even try, then you aren't going accomplish much of anything.

I'm tired of making excuses as to why things haven't gone in the direction I've wanted them to. So I'm going to stop doing that. As of right now, I am making a promise to myself that no matter how big the dream I have, if I really want it, I WILL make it happen. 

And you know what? You can too!

The Winds of Change

More like the fear of change.

There are several times in our lives when we face an inevitable shift in the things we are use to. Sometimes they are welcomed changes, and other times they are dreaded. Either way, they are bound to happen, and what comes with change is often a lesson learned. What you take from life experience is what truly makes it good or bad. 

Right now in my life, as I gear up for a huge transition, I am asking myself,

"Is this going to mold my life for the better? Or is it going take me a step backwards?"

The more I contemplate this question, I am pretty sure of the answer. But I need to try and see it from all angles available. Relocation is usually a great thing (in my case, anyways), but I am trying to keep in mind that I am not the only one effected by my actions. How will this effect my children? I remember as a child when my mother would move us time and time again, almost at the drop of a hat. I hated it. Every time I felt as if I was just starting to belong somewhere, I found myself having to get rid of half of my belongings and then being thrown into a brand new, unfamiliar place again, full of people I had never met before.
Yes, eventually I would adjust, but as soon as that would happen, it would start all over again.

I would never want my littles to feel that way.

There are times when I feel as if I may be following the same footsteps my mother did, but then I remember that it might not be so bad. Well, it's not bad to be like her in the areas where she gave us her love, and shared wonderful memories with us, and that's what I'm referring to. When we were younger, no matter where we were moving to at that time, she would always try and make sure we felt like it was home, and that is my intention with my babies. 

When I told Magoo that we were moving, I was afraid she would be sad to leave her now established school and friends behind. However, she caught me by surprise when she shouted with excitement, gazing at me with curiosity and wonder gleaming in her eyes. 

What a sigh of relief.

No one likes the thought of disappointing anyone, let alone their children. So with her approval, I finally know we are doing the right thing. Now that the fear and dread is gone, we can really start looking forward to the future, and whatever this new beginning is going to bring us! 

YES!

I fully look forward to what the future will bring, and I am ecstatic to take the leap. More than anything, I am glad that I will have people I love surrounding me during this crazy ride!

Lemon Dream Cookies

Prepare to fall in love.

Do you adore lemon deserts as I do? Does that light, zingy taste make you swoon and salivate? Then look no further for that perfect fix, because these cookies are IT. And by IT, I mean that you will think of these every time you are wanting to satisfy your lemon craving. 

To put it simply-- They. Are. Amazing.

I have never before attempted to make a batch of cookies, without at least going off of another recipe. Baking is precise, and fickle. You need to measure everything to an exact amount, and, well it's just complicated. Although I consider myself to be a pretty good cook, my baking is more, er... experimental, than spectacular, if you know what I mean. Well today, when Magoo came home from her very first school field trip (she had a BLAST by the way!!), I knew I wanted to continue with her fun day, and thought we could "wing it" and concoct our own cookie recipe, as I told her. That way, even if the cookies turned out terrible, we at least had a good time making them!

Magoo loves being in the kitchen with me, and I admit, I really enjoyed seeing her creative juices flowing!

Working hard...

  All I can say about this decision, is I am SO glad we did "wing it", because for once, our experiment went well! Really well!! These cookies are fantastic! The dough is the consistency of a very thick frosting, and after baked, they are similar to a light, moist, brownie-like texture! Mmmm...... I think I need to go grab another! 

Anyways, upon throwing this creation together, we came up with a few great additions. In the past I've made several batches of cookies with different flavors of pudding mix in them, and always loved how they turned out. So naturally, after coming across a box of instant lemon pudding in the cupboard, I was inspired. Rummaging around, I discovered a lowly bag of craisins, that so desperately needed to be eaten and enjoyed. These cookies were already sounding delicious in my head, they just needed one more thing. White chocolate. Yes. Now doesn't that sound yummy? I sure thought so! 

Alas! After a quick run to the store for some white chocolate chips (and more milk, of course!), we were ready to start baking! 

Yes, I have resorted to Instagram for photos at the moment, but  you have to admit, it's better than no pictures! 

Once we had stirred and mixed it all together, and gave them a quick taste, Magoo and I both agreed that the lemon flavoring in the pudding simply wasn't enough. Good thing I had some real ones on hand! A couple tablespoons and all the zest from one lemon, and it was perfect! Oh the dough was wonderful..... we could hardly keep our fingers out of it. I'm sure if I had let her, she would have licked the entire bowl clean! I am so happy that I didn't, because even though I didn't think it was possible, these were even BETTER baked!!

Oh I can't wait until you all try them--

Here they are in all of their lemony glory!!

Preheat the oven to 350.

1. In mixer, cream the butter, sugar, and vanilla until unified. Add in eggs, each one at a time, scraping down the sides of the bowl every so often. Pour in pudding mix, and blend for 2 minutes. It will "fluff" up, almost doubling in size. Add in the lemon juice and zest. 
2. In separate bowl, combine all dry ingredients (flour, baking soda/powder, salt, etc). Slowly add dry mixture into wet mixture, mixing and then scraping down sides until fully incorporated. 
3. Pour in craisins and white chocolate chips, and mix with a spoon. 
4. Scoop tablespoons of the dough, 2-3 inches apart onto a baking sheet.
5. Bake for 12-15 minutes, depending on how soft/doughy you like them. (I baked mine for 15, and they were perfectly moist and soft!)

This batch made 48 cookies for me. I used my small ice cream scoop. 

Enjoy!!

Jump-start Blueberry Muffins

Bites of sunshine. 

Today I woke with a fresh perspective. Through the unavoidable rain and murky gray clouds, I saw the splendor of a new day. I wanted to make the best of my lazy Saturday, and decided to test out a new blueberry muffin recipe I’ve been working on. I thought, “What better way to brighten this shut-in of a day, then by indulging with some warm, moist, delicious muffins!?”

I could find no other way.

So there I went into the kitchen, scanning the cupboards as if I were searching for that perfect component to compliment my secret basket ingredients [like on Chopped. Ooh do I love that show!!]. I saw this recipe on Pinterest the other day that uses Greek yogurt for the majority of the wet ingredients, and was really intrigued. I immediately thought of ways I could adjust and tweak it to suit my household, and taste buds, of course. Another goal I had, was to make them even more packed with protein, without adding protein powder. I have found that Marc can detect that stuff from a mile away, and not in a good way….

I digress.

So as I was forming these muffins in my head, I remembered that I had picked up a box of quinoa flower a few weeks ago, and I have been wanting to experiment with it for a while. Oh I was so excited, and ready to start mixing up the goods!

With quinoa flour for the base, along with whole wheat flour (since I hadn’t really used the QF that much), and some oats for good measure, I knew I couldn’t go wrong. And since I was already improving the health benefits of this recipe, I was trying to continue down that road, by cutting out the butter, and replacing it with applesauce. Which by the way, made these oh so very moist!!

Needless to say, the end result of these muffins was by far, one of the best I have ever made. I was pleasantly surprised by how I could not tell they were very low in gluten, fat, AND sugar! Although we did sort of destroy that aspect by slathering them with butter while they were fresh out of the oven……. Oh my, they were yummy!!

So, after much tinkering and anticipation, here is my recipe for protein packed, blueberry muffins!

This batch makes approximately 24 muffins (in a regular cupcake tin).

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. In one bowl, combine all dry ingredients. Such as quinoa flour, whole wheat flour, oats, sugar, baking powder and soda, flax meal, salt, and lemon zest. Toss in berries so they are coated with flour mixture.
3. In a separate bowl, mix together all wet ingredients (I.e. yogurt, applesauce, eggs, vanilla, and milk.) until fully combined.
4. Pour wet ingredient mixture into dry ingredient mixture, and fold until fully incorporated.
5. Spray muffin tins with non-stick cooking spray, and fill each slot 2/3rds full. Place into oven, and bake for 20-25 minutes, until golden brown and springy to the touch. Make sure you alternate top and bottom racks about 10 minutes into cooking time, to ensure all the muffins cook the same.
6. Remove from muffin tin immediately, or they might get soggy (since there is so much moisture in them). Serve hot, or wrap and refrigerate for up to a week. 

Enjoy!! 

I wanted to add that I really wanted to post photos of these little stud muffins (yeah, I just said that!), but my camera seems to be out of commission. So, I will be working on that indefinitely!  =)